If It’s the End of the World, I Guess I’ll Finally Watch the Star Wars Trilogy (Part One)

Locked down in NYC, comedian Anna Roisman finally addresses a glaring omission in her cinematic viewing history.

We’re living through crazy times right now, so I’m going to admit something I’ve kept inside for a long time: I’ve gone my whole life without ever seeing the original Star Wars. I’ve avoided it, actually. Even though my brother, my dad, my boyfriends and probably 80 percent of people I’ve met have been huge fans. I understand that it’s a classic. I know the basic lines like, “Luke, I am your father.” It’s the first thing I say when I talk into a fan and want to hear my voice sound like a robot … or, in this case, Darth Vader. And right now talking into a fan is a pretty fun activity while you’re social distancing! I am aware of the character names, like Luke and Leia (had to Google that spelling), Darth, Chewie, Han Solo, and C-3PO. My dog has a Christmas R2-D2 toy (R2-D2 wearing a Santa hat), so I’m sure he’s the character that brings toys to all of the children of space. Are there kids in space in these movies? There better be.

In the past year, I even hosted a few games on HQ that had Star Wars themes, and I am finally admitting that I faked it. I read the Star Wars wiki pages for days to prepare, though! I learned the quotes, I studied the facts, I did my homework! But I have yet to sit down and watch the original trilogy. (To be honest, I didn’t know it was originally only three movies … in my head, there have been 47?) But we’re living through a scary time, and I wanted to take on a challenge. I set out to watch the original trilogy in my first week of social distancing, and wanted to document this experience. I don’t anticipate it being an easy watch for me, and I will probably fall asleep a few times as I do with most movies, but I’m going to do my best!

So here we go. In a coronavirus world, happening way too close to where we all live … a girl set out to do what she thought was impossible.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
FOOD: Lime chips and salsa
DRINK: Star-garita (oh yeah, I got creative)
TIME: 10:32 p.m. (later than I wanted to start!)

First of all, episode 4? This is the first one! George Lucas already had that many others planned? I wish I had his confidence. What a ballsy move.

OK, I’m going to start out and say that I hate a movie that makes me read a novel before I see the film. The angle that the font is on is very difficult to read, so I’m not paying attention. This is kind of how I handled the reading comprehension section of the SATs, now that I think about it. The main reason I never watched these movies is really in the title. I don’t like action movies, and obviously there’s action because it’s about “wars” right? The effects in the first very long action scene kind of look like laser tag. It’s bringing me back to a middle school birthday party, which is actually a beautiful memory right now. I have to say, as a New Yorker, these robots move very slow. I am worried for them, because if you’re slow in a war? That’s not a good combo.

I am doing my best to find positive things I like about this movie. I’m loving the little robed guys with glowing eyes who lasered R2-D2 because they are so cute and have great voices. I think I played a character like this in the musical Pippin in high school? Also, love the holograms. Holograms are a fun effect we should use more often. Like while you’re quarantining. Can’t believe we didn’t think of that yet!

Oops, 11 minutes and 38 seconds in and I went on Twitter. My boyfriend is here to stop me from doing things like that.

Finally, the humans! It’s actually very cool to see Leia’s look in the movie. I had seen the posters, and images for years, so I’m appreciating this. She was very fashion forward with the lipgloss and buns. It’s an iconic look and people are wearing that today. Luke seems pretty cool, but how old is he supposed to be? He looks 35, but I think he’s playing a teenager. I assume he does karate (based on his outfit?) and he’s really into befriending robots. Seems like his Aunt and Uncle are trying to keep secrets from him, though, because they reacted weird when he brought up this Obi-Wan Kenobi guy (I had to Google that spelling). They don’t want him knowing who his father is for some reason. … Also they keep bringing up the Academy and a Harvest? Is this like the Hamptons and the Shore? Seems like it. But they have two suns, so they’re obviously better than us. Also, I believe Luke has a crush on Leia … I feel like this will be the love story I want to see.

Just had a thought: Should I only write positive things so I don’t lose followers?

I like Obi-Wan Kenobi slash Ben. I love that his alias is just Ben … like, how basic can you get? He’s really into Luke and just gave him a weapon like it was a candy bar. Here’s something that’s bothersome: I don’t like that I know the famous line about his father, because that’s a pretty big spoiler!

Speaking of Darth, whenever I see Darth Vader’s conference room, I want Dr. Evil to show up. I feel like he belongs at this table. I love Austin Powers. Not the place to say that? Sorry. Side note: Starting to notice that this movie is very white. Like, we’re 40 minutes in and there have not been any people of color. I have seen flying cars, though, like the one Luke drives and wow, that seems cool. You’d think by now in 2020 we’d be in flying cars and not locked in our homes washing our hands on repeat.

Here we go, now we’ve met Han Solo, and he has an attitude! I like it. He is by far the hottest person we’ve seen so far in this movie. I also like this Jabba character because he reminds me of the rocky character in the movie The Neverending Story. Another movie I like that has to do with space is Armageddon. Back to this movie, though. Han got them this spaceship called the Millennium Falcon (I will forever confuse it with Millennial Falcon) and the whole gang is going to go and fight the bad guys (Storm Troopers). I know they’re bad, but Storm Troopers have the second best outfits in this movie to Leia. OK, I was talking about fashion but some real stuff just happened. The bad guys blew up a planet, and I guess Obi-Wan got a little bad acid reflux from it.

One hour and 15 minutes in, I went on Instagram. Which is tough to leave during a quarantine. I’m sorry. Oh, and I think Darth Vader has a mullet!

OK, back to the movie, we’re in another fight scene in a tower. But also, Luke found Leia! Oh, I hope they have a love scene, because I’m bored of the fighting. Also, it’s nice to finally see Leia shooting a gun, like, women can fight too. I spoke too soon … Leia and Han have this mean-flirting thing going on. Maybe they’ll do it instead. This fight scene in the tower reminds me of the bubble scene at the end of Willy Wonka. I’m pretty good at turning Star Wars into any other movie, huh? Han Solo seems bipolar to me, which is like, fine, but I hope he gets some help.

Here’s one thing that had an impact on me: the line “May the force be with you” was way too chill for me. Like, we’ve dedicated May 4th as Star Wars Day and here we have him saying it like, “May you not be late for work …” I was pretty let down by this! Also, peanut butter cookies are better than I remember! (Yes, I got another snack.)

OK, I am so proud of myself for making it through! I fell asleep a few times and had to rewind, but it’s not a race. All in all, I kept waiting for the human story to take off, and really we got a few moments of flirting between Luke and Leia, and Han and Leia. The robots were fun, and I’m glad they were there too. I had to keep reminding myself that this is a fictional movie about space. So I should probably have more realistic expectations and not wait for a romance story. Anyway, I watched it! Aren’t you proud? Only two more movies to go!

Anna Roisman is a comedian, writer, actor, creator, producer, and host in NYC. Anna is the host of HQ Words, a word puzzle game from the creators of HQ Trivia. Anna’s work has been featured in the Tribeca Film Festival, New York TV Festival, Just For Laughs in Montreal, People magazine, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Funny Or Die, Huffington Post, Elite Daily, and more. She is the creator of The Unemployed Show and co-producer and host of Quickie Fest: The One Minute Movie Festival in NYC. Anna hosts the live comedy shows, “Revival” and “Fashion Puhleeze,” and sings with The Losers Lounge at Joe’s Pub & City Winery. For reels, press, and information, check out AnnaRoisman.com.