If It’s the End of the World, I Guess I’ll Finally Watch the Star Wars Trilogy (Part Two)

After quarantine-watching Episode IV, comedian Anna Roisman braces herself for an even bigger step into the unknown: the sequels.

Here we go! One down, two to go! I was really excited about this challenge before I started, and now I’m wishing I’d instead decided to watch every Julia Roberts movie. Or literally anything else. Maybe one of these next two films will turn me into a fan? Maybe quarantine will change me? I doubt it, but anything’s possible these days. … Yesterday, I had cake with a fried egg!

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
FOOD: Taco Tuesday beef tacos!
DRINK: LaCroix Orange (yep, I’m sober for this one)
TIME: 10:54 p.m. (huge mistake here, way too late)

Ah, another Star Wars, another novel that I need to order the SparkNotes for. I think the summary is that Darth Vader is looking for Luke. When this movie opened up on a snowy scene, I was excited. While some might associate snow with Game of Thrones, my cultured brain went straight to Elf and Frozen – two of the classics! Are we in the Vail, Colorado of space? Chic clothing, lots of snow. This is a very different vibe than the first movie.

Han Solo is officially a hot Winklevoss brother in this movie. In other words, he’s aged nicely. However, he’s still not nice. Looks like he has to go back to Jabba, and Leia is pissed. (I get it, she likes a challenge. Who doesn’t?!) In just one movie, though, the Han and Leia love-hate relationship has really grown. She’s making him beg for it, huh? She’s even using Luke! She’s like, whatever I’ll just kiss Luke and make Han more jealous. Because they definitely just tongue-kissed when he returned from the snow. And it made Han bounce outta there!

Oops. I went on Instagram and it looks like I wasn’t the only one who made tacos tonight! Nice. Taco Tuesday!

Apparently while all of this relationship drama happened, the Empire found the Rebels’ hidden base and attacked them. (Can you tell that someone explained that to me?) So now everyone has to go fight again. I like fighting on shows like The Bachelor, but I’m really not a fan of violence in movies. I know Luke won’t die, though, because we still have another movie! I do like these giant giraffe-looking robots. I didn’t realize until halfway through this scene that humans are running them!

I’m noticing the music a lot more in this movie. The soundtrack is way better! (Or the plot is more boring … really hard to tell at this point?!)

A thought I had: Poor C-3PO. I feel like no one cares what he has to say or pays much attention to him. He’s a smart robot, and he has a nice British accent, which makes me think he’s the most educated of the crew! I would think more people cared about him. We can’t even understand R2-D2 and yet he’s obviously the favorite! Also? I’ve always emphasized the R in R2-D2, and Luke emphasizes the 2 in R2 … this is bothersome. I am not OK. Society should have taught me better.

OK, so when the fight ends, Luke goes to this swampy place to find Yoda, to get trained as a Jedi. Finally! Yoda! I was waiting for Yoda. And we don’t meet him for a whole movie and a half?! Woof. Here’s the thing. I’ve done a Yoda impression before, I’ve known about this character, and yet his speech isn’t so bizarre. It’s not as weird as we’ve made it seem all these years! Yoda speaks kind of like your old uncle who is four beers in … and smokes.

We’re halfway through and I just got chocolate sea-salt ice cream. It’s delicious and it’s bringing up my mood. Maybe I will appreciate the movie more now?

Of course, I appreciate the love story happening between Leia and Han. She did a little electrical work like a boss, and now they’re making out! I’m here for this kind of action. But a major red flag has emerged. Leia tells Han she loves him and he says, “I KNOW…”? What?! This is why men can’t commit! He’s probably hooking up with five other space women and doesn’t want to give that up! Wow, who knew I’d get invested in this movie?! Han is such a player.

We meet this guy Lando and he’s into Leia too because she is the only woman around (and she has really cool braids in this movie). Lando brings the gang to see Vader, who is after Luke. Darth Vader then captures Han Solo and has him frozen in carbonite. Just when things were getting juicy between him and Leia, we had to get rid of him? Bummer. Now he’s a rock.

Luke finally meets Darth. And like I predicted, they fight with lightsabers! It’s pretty slow for a fight. I think my brother used to recreate this scene in our living room with himself. I think I like two-person fight scenes more than big war scenes. But here’s my issue: The famous line is actually, “No, I am your father”??? No “Luke” in there! I thought he said “Luke” this whole time.

As Luke disappears again, Leia says she knows where Luke is … because of telepathy? Who knows. Basically Vader got Han, Leia, and the gang to come to him so he could lure Luke in, and it worked. I guess this is a major setup for the next movie? I have questions, but I’m also so tired. Did I mention that this one took me two nights to get through? I am taking a day off before I start the last one, so I can build up my tolerance! (That’s not a thing …) But I’ll be back. Anna Strikes Back!

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
FOOD: Hot dogs and string beans (This is a quarantine, I’m using my groceries!)
DRINK: Cream soda
TIME: 9:49 p.m. (earliest yet!)

Here we go. It’s the earliest time I have yet to start a Star Wars movie. I’m excited it’s the last. I will remember this quarantine fondly, thanks to these movies. (That sounded fake, huh?) I didn’t even attempt to read the intro novel this time. My boyfriend summed it up for me, though. Something about a new Death Star being built? (To be honest, I nodded my head yes, like I understood, but I can’t really place what the other Death Star was …)

If it was winter in the last movie, then now we’re in summer. It’s sandy and nice. Apparently this place is called Tatooine. C-3PO and R2-D2 are together and they’re trying to find Han Solo. It’s very reminiscent of The Wizard of Oz in that they’re knocking on a big door to get inside. But the Wizard is Jabba the Hutt. That big rocky monster from the first movie. He’s pretty chill, and smokes a hookah. He’s like the dude who never left his apartment in college and enjoyed frozen pizza rolls. (Uh oh, did I just describe all of us at peak social distancing?)

There are a lot of bots here in the bar from the first movie. This bar is cool looking, and the most chic place in all of Star Wars land. I get why so many people take Instagrams from the bar they built like this in Disney World/Land!

This is by far my favorite movie yet and that’s because of one specific scene. It turned into a musical!? We’re talking a full on hybrid of Cats and Rocky Horror. It’s amazing! I sat up in my seat and gave it my full attention! Of course, halfway through the scene, my boyfriend shut down this joyous moment by saying, “This is one of the worst scenes in movie history.” Sorry to disagree, but I love it. How did no one lure me into Star Wars by telling me that there’s a musical scene? I hope they have a reprise!

Chewbacca’s back with a bounty hunter who is there to get Han Solo. I guessed this: It’s Leia! She gets Han out of the carbonite so they can make out. See? This is the best movie yet. Well, I spoke too soon. It was a hot moment until she got caught and now Jabba is making her his sexy slave. It’s unfortunate that this happens to her, but she gets to wear some pretty hot outfits and she’s never looked better.

Twenty-eight minutes in and I decided to check the weather for tomorrow. You know, for another day where I can’t really go outside.

So Jabba is apparently a bad guy. He’s enslaved Leia, he has all the bots working for him, and he’s got Han and Luke trapped. I feel bad because I thought he was chill before. They fight it out, and Han and Luke get away and rescue the team. Sounds like they’re off to visit Yoda, who is not doing well. C’mon, Yoda is barely in these movies! He’s dying and he was only in part of the second one. No wonder people were nuts for Baby Yoda. They barely got to know Yoda here!

Yoda definitely is showing symptoms of coronavirus. (Maybe this movie is hitting too close to home right now, but he’s not breathing well.) He says one interesting thing to Luke before he dies and that is that “there is another Skywalker.” Luke then sees Obi-Wan and he puts this all together that Leia is the other Skywalker, which means she is his sister.

Uh oh. Remember when I wanted them to make out? Remember when I kept saying Luke wants to “do Leia”? I am so sorry. I didn’t really see this coming, and I do not support incest. This is a directorial issue though, because they sure did kiss on the lips before! Gross. Here’s a question: Why does everyone keep so many secrets in these movies? Luke sees Leia and doesn’t tell her. I’m sorry, but if you find out one of your closest friends/lovers is your blood sibling, there’s no way you can keep that inside!

I don’t know where we are now, but this planet looks like the island from Lost. Everyone’s in camouflage outfits and they’re ready to fight the bad guys. Plus, they have these flying motorcycle things and it feels like a video game. I hope it’s not too long of a fight scene.

I found applesauce in my fridge. Remember applesauce? It’s really good. Highly recommend. Also, the team got trapped in a net in a tree. This is Lost!
Wow, things really are different in this movie. C-3PO is treated like a god by the creatures called Ewoks. I’m honestly happy he’s getting some attention. It only took two-and-a-half movies for someone to listen to him! Side note? My dog looks like an Ewok. So naturally I like them.

Finally, Luke tells Leia that she’s his sister. There’s definitely a moment of hesitation where she remembers kissing him. Leia also shows her real hair in this movie and I have so much respect for all of the hairstyles she’s had. Thank God she now knows Luke is her brother too, because now Han doesn’t have to be jealous anymore!

This is a dramatic ending. Luke goes off to try and make Darth Vader good …? But it’s just another lightsaber fight. Leia and R2 both get shot. I just clapped out loud because Han said he loved Leia and she gave it back to him and said, “I know.” Go, Leia! Put him in his place. Luke and Darth are fighting, and the Emperor is there. They’re trying to get Luke to go to the “dark side,” but then Darth becomes a father for a hot second and doesn’t let it happen. Oh no, we see Vader’s face? This is something I was hoping wouldn’t happen! I don’t like these kinds of reveals. Like when we learned Big’s name in Sex and the City … same thing here, but I care way less. Spoiler? Probably not if you’ve made it this far. Darth Vader dies. Bye bye!

I feel accomplished. This was the best one of the three movies, by an Ewok hair. I can’t believe the hype around it, though. I feel like if more people watched Father of the Bride and Father of the Bride II, they’d have the same kind of love for those movies as they do for Star Wars. For me, there were a lot of storylines, a lot of dragging out major plot points that made the films longer, and too much fighting. I did enjoy the fashion and the make-out scenes, as I suspected I would. I don’t recommend watching these while in quarantine … but I do recommend watching Tiger King on Netflix, twice.

Anna Roisman is a comedian, writer, actor, creator, producer, and host in NYC. Anna is the host of HQ Words, a word puzzle game from the creators of HQ Trivia. Anna’s work has been featured in the Tribeca Film Festival, New York TV Festival, Just For Laughs in Montreal, People magazine, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Funny Or Die, Huffington Post, Elite Daily, and more. She is the creator of The Unemployed Show and co-producer and host of Quickie Fest: The One Minute Movie Festival in NYC. Anna hosts the live comedy shows, “Revival” and “Fashion Puhleeze,” and sings with The Losers Lounge at Joe’s Pub & City Winery. For reels, press, and information, check out AnnaRoisman.com.