Talkhouse Film contributors were invited to share the negative user reviews, from sites such as the Internet Movie Database, Amazon, Letterboxd, Netflix and more, that had particularly caught their attention (or just made them laugh). Below is the first installment of their responses. – N.D.
This is my favorite review of Take Out from Netflix:
Zero stars. The movie is so slow that watching paint dry would be an order of magnitude more exciting than sitting through that movie. The story that it tells rings true, but there is only enough material for ten minutes. Get drunk and drive your car into a tree; injuring yourself will be more fun than wasting your time watching that movie.
– Sean Baker
There’s a wonderful message board thread someone started on my IMDb page with the headline “Never make another movie again.” The content of the message is then simply, “Please.” I have to admire that kind of simple, straightforward plea…
– Jim Hemphill
This is my favorite IMDb Message Board topic for The Overnight.
The calmly bigoted initial post is met with a heap of disdain. Gives me a little faith in humanity? No, no it doesn’t.
Also see below.
These are my two favorites off Amazon.
I just love to say “BORING!” out loud in my office and remind myself I need “a lot more” dialogue in my movies. That one in particular makes me smile.
My favorite is a Netflix review for my first film that nobody say called Luke and Brie are on a First Date.
You can see a screengrab here, but it goes: “Cheap, grainy, talking heads borefest. Amateur and drags like a dying snail. Don’t wast your time. And the actors are NOT attractive”
I just love the last line. Sorry, George and Meg.
– Chad Hartigan
Here’s a Netflix review of my film Eden (aka The Abduction of Eden). Gotta love it when someone feels so moved by their hatred of your film that they resort to Haiku. Although it looks like I’m in the fine company of at least 1188 other filmmakers…
This inspired me to go look up some user reviews on Netflix. Not only have I never looked at user reviews on Netflix before for any film, but also I didn’t even realize they existed. My favorite is this one-star review: “Reminded me of why I never want to have a baby. Don’t do it to yourself guyz. Don’t do it.”
– Kris Swanberg
I consider these two side-by-side, opposing Amazon reviews of The Wise Kids my finest hour. “See the movie that audiences everywhere are calling, “Too Christian!” and “Too Gay!”
I’m pretty fond of this one from IMDb on Stinking Heaven…
A one-star Summer of Blood review on Netflix:
“If you really want to see Seth Rogen and Woody Allen mushed together and trapped in the body of a middle aged Turkish American who becomes a vampire then this is the film for you.”
This isn’t a insult, it’s an endorsement. I want to hire this person to do my PR. It’s also inspiring me to write a new movie called Two Jews in a Turk.
– Onur Tukel
This was emailed to me after our broadcast on PBS:
“Dear Marshall Curry, Just saw your Point & Shoot. A disgusting piece of work on many levels. My wife and I, lovers of film, were repulsed and ashamed at ourselves for continuing to watch it. -Gerald F.”
I loved three things about it: First, I loved that someone decided it was a good use of his time to write this email, get on the internet, track down my email address, and send it to me. Second, I loved that it wasn’t just disgusting on one level. And best of all I loved that he and his wife continued to watch it to the end.
– Marshall Curry