Jason Narducy (Split Single, Superchunk, Bob Mould Band) is About to Get WikiLeaked

Today has been a painful day. I was informed that WikiLeaks will release my personal emails tomorrow. I am left with no option but to come clean about a great deal of private information that was not intended to become public. Please understand that this is going to be excruciating for some of you to read. You have my permission to stop reading now before the sordid details turn your stomach. I never meant to hurt anyone.

This is my confessional to you, my ten fans. I texted you all this morning, but only heard back from one of you. Thank you, Mom.

– Jason Narducy is my stage name. My real name is Johnny Rocker. My managers felt that “Narducy” was a better name because it came loaded with questions: “Is it pronounced Nar Doo Chee? Nar Duckee?” The confusion inspired dialogue, intrigue and no boost in album sales.

– Woody was, by far, my favorite Bay City Roller. There. I said it. Go ahead; listen to “Saturday Night” and tell me Woody didn’t have the best guitar chops of any male in Edinburgh circa 1977. And no one dared to wear knee-high socks to the swimming pool before he did it. He was a Scottish Sock Swimwear Pioneer.

– When the topic of Clif Bar Peanut Toffee Buzz comes up, I’m not afraid to note that the toffee flavor is not overbearing. I put on a tough façade while defending my backstage rider: “Peanut butter Clif Bars or I walk.” But when promoters make the understandable mistake of providing Peanut Toffee Buzz instead, I don’t actually mind. Thanks to this WikiLeak, I can no longer play hardball on this matter.

– In my 2002 emails to Emo Phillips (which went unanswered), I was merely curious about his hair conditioner of choice. It appeared obsessive (thirty-two emails is too many, I admit) but I cannot stress what a massive hair product crossroads I had reached at that point. It was a follicle crisis and I needed Emo to save me.

– I don’t wash my legs when I shower. My lawyer, [REDACTED], insisted I mention this in my WikiLeaks confessional, but he’s a registered germaphobe so take it as you will. My legs are slightly bowed and they are dangerously white but I think they look OK unwashed. No one has called me out on it, but, after tomorrow, I’m afraid they will be under incredible scrutiny. I hope WikiLeaks gets its ass kicked for making me add thirty seconds to my morning routine.

– When my son was five years old, my wife and I convinced him to trade in his huge bag of Halloween trick or treat candy for one very small bag of Doritos. Sounds like two parents protecting their son from rotting his teeth. Sounds like a brilliant healthy parental maneuver. But fucking WikiLeaks will reveal that my wife and I scarfed down that beautiful corn syrup bounty in one sitting. One gluttonous shovel to mouth sesh. I got so sick, I canceled all of my Mediocre Bass Guitar Technique tutorials the next day.

– Before filming one of my Sexiest Elbows in Rock episodes (two new episodes coming in November via AV Club), I forgot to apply my usual elbow cream and, out of time and options, instead applied macadamia nut oil from a pan on the stove in desperation. It resulted in me being filmed by a YouTube paparazzi journalist sprinting through Evanston, Illinois, as three dozen squirrels chased me home. Those little rodent athletes were some of the meanest tree huggers I’ve come across. I’m not precious about my elbows but I don’t want them chewed into human lasagna either.

– My ten fans email me with questions such as, “How do you jump two inches in the air?” or, “How do you land that C note somewhat close to the same time as the drummer?” I don’t always respond to these inquiries. That may seem arrogant. The truth is, I don’t always know the answers. Sometimes I amaze myself. I’m not even sure how I do some of my trademark stage moves like the Microphone Tooth Smash or the Scramble to Plug Cable Back in to the Tuner. I see folks in the audience laughing because they are so embarrassed they can’t do what I do. It’s an honor to inspire them even if I don’t always email back.

Split Single frontman Jason Narducy is a universally beloved lifer, having first appeared on the scene at age 11 in the ‘80s Chicago punk band Verböten. He fronted Epic/Sony alt-rockers Verbow during the ‘90s alt-rock bubble, then spent nearly a decade as the bassist and backup vocalist for folks like Bob Mould, Robert Pollard, Telekinesis and SuperchunkSplit Single’s Metal Frames was released in 2016.