Hot Love: How Not to Cheat on Your Girlfriend on Tour with Help from Bob Seger

Dave Hill dishes out love advice — and love songs — to the lovelorn.

Hot Love is a column by comedian, writer and musician Dave Hill wherein he helps the lovelorn with advice on love, relationships and porking. Please send your questions to [email protected].

Dear Dave,

I don’t really like having sex with my boyfriend, but I love him! What do I do, Dave?

Thanks so much,
Shut the Barn Door

Dear Shut the Barn Door,

Karen? Is that you?! Haha. I am kidding. See the joke there is, oh, nevermind. Anyway, I have some follow-up questions:

When you have say you don’t really like having sex with your boyfriend, do you mean you don’t really like having sex with him in particular or you don’t really like having sex in general? I mean, don’t get me wrong, either way you’ve probably got some work to do, but the distinction here is important. Don’t worry, though, I will answer for both possibilities, partially because I really want to help but also because I have a word count I need to hit here.

OK, here goes. If you don’t really like having sex with your boyfriend in particular, you could either A) get a new relationship partner that you like having sex with, or B) figure out a way to make having sex with this current boyfriend, this guy you love, something you both enjoy so much that it’s actually kind of weird. Since I’m rooting for this guy you love, I suggest perhaps getting a little Western wear involved next time and see if that helps. If it turns out you’re not into Western wear, I will be confused but would simply suggest trying different things out until you get to a place where porking is enjoyable for both of you and something you actually look forward to, maybe even several times a day. Who knows? I’m not a doctor. Also, I’m glad I got to squeeze the word “porking” in there. These are trying times we live in and I need to find joy wherever I can.

If, of course, you simply don’t like having sex period, you should come over to my house — no, I mean perhaps consider talking with a sex therapist and find out why you don’t enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to enjoy it or even be interested in sex at all. I know plenty of people who have gone without friction of any kind for years and years and are perfectly happy like that probably. In fact, I was even one of them at one point in my life (minus the perfectly happy part). But, for what it’s worth, I do believe the rumors to be true: sex is a great way to pass a couple of minutes before your next program comes on, so it’s worth a shot.

My song is “Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About” by Bonnie Raitt. It’s just horrible enough for you to want to do something about it.

Just doing my part,
Dave Hill

Dear Dave,

I’m going on tour with my band for three months and my girlfriend is really bummed. Like really bummed. Why won’t she be supportive of me, Dave? She even thinks I’m going to cheat! Not sure what to do here…

Thanks for all you do,
The Rocker

Dear Rocker,

Look, bro — no one ever said rocking was easy. Also, I am assuming here you are indeed a rocker because we are a dying breed and I would be upset to learn “going on tour with your band” just means you and your friend Doug are going to be running around with a couple of laptops and a cooler full of energy drinks for the next few months. For the sake of my sanity, I am going to just assume you are in Dokken at the very least.

Anyway, there are a couple of possible reasons your girlfriend is really bummed you’re leaving for so long to cheat on her with a mistress I like to call The Road. The first reason, of course, is that she loves you and is much happier with you around. You probably figured that one out. And hey, can you blame her? You are in Deokken, after all.

The second possible reason is, of course, that, historically speaking, anyway, rock bands on tour often find themselves in what, were I not a gentleman, I might call “the eye of a poonstorm.” Of course, I would never talk like that, so just let me clarify by saying that, whether you’re in Dokken or not, rock bands on the road often find themselves in a situation where opportunities for friction in the pants region are plentiful. I don’t need to explain any of this further. You’re a grown man, dammit. And just because I don’t always like one, doesn’t mean you can’t.

Regardless of everything I’ve kinda sorta said above, a rocker must rock and you absolutely gotta hit the road and rock with all your might. Tell your baby you love her and dedicate the encore to her each and every night. Also, be honest in both your rock and your actions. That’s all anyone can ask.

For further advice, recommend you consult a little song called “Turn the Page” by Bob Seger. That guy and his beard have been there, bro.

Nailed it,
Dave Hill

Dear Dave,

How do I write a really good online dating message? No one ever answers mine… I try for really casual, like, “Hey, how is your day?” and I get nothing.

How is your day,

Dear Lonely,

As you can probably imagine, what with me being an international superstar and all, I have never done online dating. Usually I just stand there and that pretty much takes care of all my dating needs. Then I usually just get a check up and start all over again. That said, I totally get how online dating is a useful tool for the non-international superstar. In fact, some days, I wish I weren’t an international superstar just so I could give this online dating I’ve heard so much about a try. Once you’ve got the dating message thing down, I bet it’s Make Out City!

As for cool things to say in a dating message, I would try something like “Hi. Do you like pizza?” If the person answers “yes” to this question (and, statistically speaking, anyway, they definitely will!), follow up by saying, “Wanna get pizza together some time?” If they answer “yes” to that question, my work here is done. If they answer “no” to that question, move on to the next person of interest and hit them with that first question again. Repeat as necessary until you got like sixty babies or some shit.

My song for you is “Escape” by Rupert Holmes. It’s the best basically.

Together we can make a difference,
Dave Hill

Dave Hill is a comedian, writer, musician, and highly boneable public figure. He is the author of the book Tasteful Nudes (St. Martin’s Press, 2012), host of The Goddamn Dave Hill Show on New Jersey’s WFMU-91.1, frequent contributor to This American Life and singer-guitar player for the power-pop band Valley Lodge. His new comedy album Let Me Turn You On is available now, as is his second collection of essays, Dave Hill Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (Penguin/Blue Rider Press). Dave also smells incredible and can play sweet guitar solos without even really trying. You can follow him on Twitter here.