Dave Hill is a comedian, writer, musician, and highly boneable public figure. He is the author of the book Tasteful Nudes (St. Martin’s Press, 2012), host of The Goddamn Dave Hill Show on New Jersey’s WFMU-91.1, frequent contributor to This American Life and singer-guitar player for the power-pop band Valley Lodge. His new comedy album Let Me Turn You On is available now, as is his second collection of essays, Dave Hill Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (Penguin/Blue Rider Press). Dave also smells incredible and can play sweet guitar solos without even really trying. You can follow him on Twitter here.
Hot Love is a column by comedian, writer and musician Dave Hill wherein he helps the lovelorn with advice on love, relationships and porking. Please send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
My boyfriend wants to have kids, but I don’t. I love him and I don’t want to break up, but this seems like a big issue.
Thanking you in advance,
I Believe the Children Aren’t Our Future
Dear I Believe,
Oh, just shut up and have a baby already. Haha. Just kidding. I think it’s fine if you don’t want kids. I mean, it really doesn’t affect me either way, the more I sit here thinking about it. Anyway, it sounds like you love your boyfriend and want him to be happy so much that you’re willing to let him go. If I were you, I’d just say, “Hey, Billy (NOTE: If this is not his name, do not call him this — it will only confuse the matter), I love you and don’t want to break up, but I don’t want kids and I know you do. Do you want to leave me for a woman who will let you put a baby in her or do you wanna stay with me and maybe we could just get a dog or one of those potbellied pigs or something?” Then Billy’s just gonna have to have a good long think about it and get back to you. For what it’s worth, I think the pig would be kind of cool. They are supposedly even smarter than dogs and pretty fun at parties, too, I bet. Just my two cents.
As completely reasonable as everything I’ve just told you is, you could of course just go ahead and have a kid, anyway. I don’t have one myself (that I know of, hahahahahahah!) but I’m told once they show up, some sort of “instinct” kicks in and you’re all like, “Get over here, you adorable little bastard!” and you almost never feel like returning it to the underworld, even after it downloads all sorts of bullshit to your iPad. That said, I am admittedly getting more and more excited about the pig with each second.
My song for you is “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green. I think the pig will like it, too.
According to movies and TV shows, at over thirty, it’s pathetic and sad that I’m not married and having several children. I do not feel ready to be married and have several children. Who’s right — my brain or Netflix?
Under the Influence
Dear Under the Influence,
Don’t get me wrong, Netflix is pretty great. It wouldn’t kill them to beef up on their foreign titles and maybe spell it out a bit more clearly which movies have nudity and which don’t so I could save a bit of time, but other than that I have really been enjoying it. I mean, sure, Orange is the New Black is pretty much Orange is the New Blah by now (NOTE: Easily fixed if you get rid of Piper and maybe add a few more knife fights), and I’m still upset that Lillyhammer was cancelled even though I’m literally the only person I know who has ever watched it from start to finish, but other than those two complaints it is in regular rotation over here at Club Paradise and I really have no big beefs with them other than they have yet to offer me my own special, now that you mention it.
Anyway, my point is that your brain is right. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being over thirty and not being married or having kids. Movies and television are not reality, including, nay, especially actual reality shows (not that I’ve ever watched one). And if it makes you feel any better, I am over thirty, not married, and don’t have kids and I am easily one of the top ten coolest guys I know, probably. I do have a dog, though, and strongly urge you to get one (or a pig) at some point if you don’t already have one. They are fun and also solve crimes.
My song for you is “TV Party” by Black Flag. Talk about good times.
Glad I could help,
My girlfriend is kind of a different person around her friends. She brags a lot, talks about herself all the time, is always on. It’s really unattractive. How can I tell her to chill out?
Anxiously awaiting your important response,
I’m with Stupid
Dear I’m with Stupid,
If I were you I would just be like “Hey, Tina, chill out.” Of course, as in the above example with the boyfriend who may or may not be named Billy, your girlfriend is likely to be confused by this if her name is not actually Tina. In fact, the more I think about it, you should address her by her real name so the message really hits home. She might scratch your eyes out, but it’s at least worth a shot.
My song for you is “Cool It Now” by New Edition. It’s the best, basically.