Hot Love: How to Get Your Stoner Boyfriend in the Mood with T. Rex

Dave Hill has even more excellent love advice — and tunes — for the lovelorn.

Hot Love is a new column by comedian, writer and musician Dave Hill wherein he helps the lovelorn with advice on love, relationships and porking. Please send your questions to [email protected].

Dear Dave,

I have been single for almost four years. While I trust that there’s gotta be “The One” out there for me somewhere, I’ve developed this terrible habit when I meet new men. Within the same ten seconds of saying, “It’s nice to meet you,” I will fast-forward to my future life together with this man, holding his five kids and being happily married to him. I don’t want to reduce every man I meet to “Are you The One or not??!!” but it seems that I have. Do you have advice on how to just relaxxxxx and let a friendship play out in reality between me and new men — instead of hitting fast-forward on my fantasies?

Too Fast for Love

Dear Too Fast,

OMG — calm down! Seriously, though, calm down. It’s simply not fair to judge or make decisions on any living thing so quickly. (With the exception, of course, of dogs, in which case you should immediately ask the dog in question if they are the “best doggie in the whole world.” The answer is, of course, “yes” every time, even with the bitey ones. I realize the dog was sort of involved in the decision-making here, but hopefully you see my point.)

Anyway, getting back to men — imagine what you’d think if some guy made decisions about you so quickly. You’d be pretty pissed, I bet, because you are a woman of complexity and nuance and, hey, get a load of that hair. It could takes weeks, even years, to really get to know and understand the wonder that is you. Am I right or am I right? Now, imagine for a second that there is a guy out there almost or even just as magical as you. Wouldn’t it be worth it to take the time to let that magic slowly reveal itself until you’re just like, “Oh, man, put a damn baby in me already?” Gosh, I sure think so.

I’m realizing at this point that probably nothing I’ve said, as incredible as it has been, will necessarily help you change your approach when meeting men. So at this point I’d like to go back to my original answer of “OMG — calm down!” Take your time getting to know someone and then decide whether they are “The One.” Unless, of course, the guy has a topknot or is wearing jorts or something, in which case I’d recommend you just keep moving!

My song for you is “Take It Easy” by the Eagles, partly because of the lyrics and also because there’s a video of it where Joe Walsh is wearing a sweet bandana.

Nailed it,
Dave Hill

Dear Dave,

My friend, let’s call her Beth, has a super hot older brother (James). He’s single and we have had a few nice conversations. It is my understanding that if a guy is interested in you, he’ll engage in some sort of interaction, and if he isn’t interested, then he will not give you the time of day. In addition, my other good friend Casey (also not her name) used to date him and they were super serious a few years ago. Casey is in a great relationship now and is moving in with her current boyfriend. However, she openly talks about how she hates James and how he is the worst. Is James worth my time? Or is this just too close to home? Also, is it better to see if there is anything between James and I before I tell anyone? Thanks!

Anxiously awaiting your response,

Dear Torn,

For starters, it’s “between James and me,” not “between James and I.” Sorry, but when people use pronouns improperly it’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. In fact, you have enraged me so much with this, I am skipping your question altogether.

My song for you is the entire Southpaw Grammar album by Morrissey. Deal with it.

Sorry but you asked for it,

Dear Dave,

My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex as much as I do. He smokes a lot of weed, which might be the issue, but, dude, aren’t guys ready to go ALL THE TIME? That’s what the women’s magazines say, anyway.

Thanks so much,
Gimme Some Lovin’

Dear Gimme,

It’s pretty normal for one person in a relationship to want to pork more than the other, at least from time to time, anyway. And, generally speaking, I think it’s important for you and your boyfriend to respect each other’s desires or lack thereof. That said, I usually find that when it comes to sex, pizza, alcohol and probably a few other things, too, even if I don’t necessarily feel like getting involved with it at the moment, I find if I just go ahead and dive in, I end up having a nice time in the end, anyway. Keeping that in mind, maybe you could get your boyfriend to promise to agree to at least try to have sex with you whenever you want, and if he’s not having a nice time after the first five minutes, he can go back to sitting on the couch being stoned or whatever else he might have been doing right before you decided to make him the happiest man alive (though, let’s be honest, I’m probably right about the couch thing, aren’t I?). Oh man, I just reread what I just wrote and it totally makes so much sense it’s weird. Then again, I’ve been drinking.

I figured this might be as good a time as any to make my song for you “Hot Love” by T. Rex, the namesake of this incredible column. If that doesn’t put him in the mood, I don’t know what will.

Get tested,

Dave Hill is a comedian, writer, musician, and highly boneable public figure. He is the author of the book Tasteful Nudes (St. Martin’s Press, 2012), host of The Goddamn Dave Hill Show on New Jersey’s WFMU-91.1, frequent contributor to This American Life and singer-guitar player for the power-pop band Valley Lodge. His new comedy album Let Me Turn You On is available now, as is his second collection of essays, Dave Hill Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (Penguin/Blue Rider Press). Dave also smells incredible and can play sweet guitar solos without even really trying. You can follow him on Twitter here.