Hot Love: How to Find Love Without Tinder — and Which Smiths Song to Listen to While Doing So

Dave Hill dishes out love advice — and love songs — to the lovelorn.

Hot Love is a new column by comedian, writer and musician Dave Hill wherein he helps the lovelorn with advice on love, relationships and porking. Please send your questions to [email protected].

Dear Dave,

I work long hours and live in a small town, so I have a hard time meeting women. Tinder isn’t really a thing where I come from, either (being a small town). How do you suggest I find love?

Small Town Guy

Dear Small Town Guy,

My first thought was to tell you to move, but then that felt like the easy way out and I hated myself for even thinking it. What you need is high-speed Internet access. From there, you should start chatting with people — preferably smoking-hot chicks — who have similar interests as you. For example, if you like the band Dokken (and really, why wouldn’t you?), you could go to a Dokken message board of some sort and start asking the tough questions. You might also think about going on a cruise or to a convention based around your interests — Dokken or otherwise. For example, if you are into comics, you could check out this thing called Comic-Con, which, in my experience, is pretty much ground zero for meeting hot chicks, some of whom might even be into steampunk.

I imagine you could also go on various dating sites and set the mile range option as big as it goes, but it felt a little too on-the-nose to go around suggesting something like that. Also, sometimes people set up fake profiles and next thing you know you’re in some guy’s barn getting called all sorts of names and being made to dance around in unflattering outfits until someone hears your screams, which can sometimes take days — even weeks — in my experience.

Anyway, glad I could solve this one. My song for you is “There is a Light that Never Goes Out” by the Smiths. It’s a song about being lonely, among other things, but I swear you’ll still love it even after you’re married and have, like, seventy-eight babies.

Just doing my part,
Dave Hill

 Dear Dave,

My boyfriend hates my dog, but I’ve had him (the dog) for fifteen years and he’s helped me through a lot of hard times. What do I do?

Hope to hear from you soon,
Pawsing to Reflect

Dear Pawsing,

For starters, I don’t want you to consider for even a second that — at fifteen years old — your dog will probably be licking himself in that big dog park in the sky before too long, maybe even by the time I finish this letter. A bad friend might suggest that, but not me, Dave, a guy who cares about you and your dog. What you need to do is kick that “boyfriend” to the curb immediately. What kind of boyfriend, or person in general, doesn’t like dogs — especially one that’s been a good friend to someone he holds near and dear? Seriously, get rid of this guy now. Have your vet put him to sleep if you can. Also, get your dog some dried lamb lung treats. They sound pretty gross, but my dog loses her mind for those things.

This one was pretty easy, but glad I nailed it, anyway. My song for you is “(My Heart Is) Closed for the Season” by Bettye Swann, which you can sing for your future ex-boyfriend pretty much whenever.

Feeling pretty good about this one,
Dave Hill

 Dear Dave,

I was dating this girl for a few months, but she broke up with me. She still wants to hang out all the time, though. I really like her. How do I get her to be my girlfriend again? Why doesn’t she want to be my girlfriend, anyway?

Soooo Confused

Dear Soooo Confused,

Oh man, have I been there. And I can tell you right now: the important thing to remember is that you and this girl are never, ever getting back together — at least if she’s anything like the girl that pulled this one on me in high school. Admittedly, I was the one who wanted to hang out with her all the time after she broke up with me, but it’s still hard not to think you’re in the exact same boat I was in. What’s cool and different about your situation, though, is it seems like this girl at least really likes you as a friend. So I say just roll with it. And when you get a smoking hot new girlfriend, you can tell this girl something like, “You think you all that but you ain’t all that.” Trust me, it’ll sound weird to both of your ears at first, but you’ll feel so much better about everything.

Well, I did it again. My song for you is “Just a Friend” by Biz Markie. It is the best song of all time probably.

Together we can make a difference,
Dave Hill

 (Dating app photo credit: Brilliant Earth)

Dave Hill is a comedian, writer, musician, and highly boneable public figure. He is the author of the book Tasteful Nudes (St. Martin’s Press, 2012), host of The Goddamn Dave Hill Show on New Jersey’s WFMU-91.1, frequent contributor to This American Life and singer-guitar player for the power-pop band Valley Lodge. His new comedy album Let Me Turn You On is available now, as is his second collection of essays, Dave Hill Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (Penguin/Blue Rider Press). Dave also smells incredible and can play sweet guitar solos without even really trying. You can follow him on Twitter here.