Charlotte Church is regularly called a hippy, an accusation she vehemently rejects (despite being regularly seen crocheting her own yoghurt in “those” coffee shops and buying veg boxes from local farms in flares and a Mexican baja). Nobody has managed to convict her of an actual crime as of yet. This is puzzling to the readers of teen megazoins in which she has listed “bank heists” as a hobby since the floods of ’98. She abhors whimsy of any kind and nurtures a glory of unicorns in the battlements of her higgledy-piggledy palace made from the toenails of toothfaeries. Yay!