Sinking into Sweet Uncertainty – Otherwise Known as Making a Movie

Making an indie movie is hard. It’s also incredibly rewarding, joyous, bonding, exhausting, fun, scary and exhilarating. But how do you not get lost in the sauce when all these big emotions coincide with a lot of noise and not a lot of sleep? How do you stay grounded with the core of what you set out to make?

“Come and put your headphones on” – Addison Rae, “Headphones,” 2025

I can’t speak for other filmmakers, but on my first feature, Sweetness, music was my guide. While writing the script, I created a playlist that I was able to return to throughout production and post. It allowed me to communicate a feeling to actors and crew, it helped me find the tone of what I was making and was a continuous source of inspiration. So when Talkhouse invited me to write something, I knew I wanted to use it to shine a little light on a few of the songs that undeniably shaped the film.

“I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” – My Chemical Romance (2004)
No you really need to listen to me, because I’m telling you the truth, I’m not-o-fucking-kay.”

Who among us hasn’t felt this way at least once? And when I was a teenager, it was all the damn time. Which is why bands like My Chemical Romance were so important to me; they had the power to make me feel like I was not alone. Sweetness is a movie centered on a teenage girl’s increasingly unhealthy obsession with a band, and I aimed to explore the psychology behind this with empathy. Fans aren’t simply “crazy”; they are seeking connection. Fandom, at its best, is community – finding others who like what you like and who feel the way you feel. This song is a reminder of that and of the longing feeling of teenaged angst that is at the heart of Sweetness. There is also nothing more cathartic than scream-crying along with these lyrics. Trust me.

“Hurt Me” – Juice WRLD (2018)
Fuck these hoes, all they do is irk me. I smoke my dope and I pop my perky.”

This song was a turning point for us in the edit, and helped us both find the tone of the film and fully realize the character of Payton Adler, the troubled pop star turned kidnap victim. I had found it tough to find much empathy for such a troubled character, but it helped to start thinking of him as a kid too, someone in need of a bit of loving guidance. There is a true sincere pain in these Juice WRLD lyrics and, at the same time, there is something juvenile about them. They’re sung from a nihilistic point of view of a youth that never got to grow up and move beyond the rage and isolation being expressed. Looking at Payton through this lens helped me see him more clearly. This is also the only song on this list that actually appears in the film, re-recorded as a children’s choir cover and played over an integral montage featuring Payton’s character in withdrawal from addiction. This juxtaposition of youthful voices singing about drugs and hoes amplifies the absurdity of the situation on screen. It’s incredibly dark, yet incredibly funny at the same time (the whole reason he’s in withdrawal is because two teenagers have handcuffed him to a bed). Maybe this speaks to my own sick, dark humor, and maybe I’ll be dragged for it, but I’m also confident it’s the kind of song choice that will give Sweetness a lasting impression.

“Sixteen” – Ayesha Erotica (2016) 
I don’t even have a license, I’m just sixteen, (you like that, bitch?), and if you try anything funny, you’re gonna go to jail!”

If you don’t know Ayesha Erotica, she’s the world’s number one coke whore and a literal legend. She perfectly captures a girly, hyper-sexualized 2000s aesthetic. Her music is Juicy Couture, Playboy bunnies, flip phones, Myspace selfies and pineapple Malibu rum straight from the bottle. If the first two songs on this list were a way into character and the heart of story, then Ayesha Erotica’s “Sixteen” is the glittery aesthetic touchstone for the movie. I wanted Sweetness to feel like her music, with a balance of violence and cutesy girliness that exist side by side. Ayesha has a humor to her music that feels like parody, but speaks to a real truth. By putting an extreme point on her lyrics, it holds a campy mirror up to the songs of the early aughts that raised me. I have yet to fully understand the impact of repeatedly watching Xtina sing about getting dirrrty in her crotchless chaps or Kesha unapologetically brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack, but it undeniably influenced Sweetness.

“Hollywood Baby” – 100 gecs (2023)
You’ll never make it in Hollywood, Baby”

As I move through life in the wake of the release of Sweetness, I will occasionally hear a song I was listening to during production and get a wave of nostalgia for that time. I spent 10 years trying to make a feature, and part of me never believed there would be a world after finishing it. That head-down, all-encompassing existence is the only way I knew how to get this movie out into the world, but now I’m looking around and asking myself, what is next? Will I make it in Hollywood … baby? What I do know is that the greatest part of the film being released is that I’ve been able to find people who like what I like. I’ve found my own niche community of fangirls, genre nerds and music lovers. In many ways, it’s been incredibly healing for my own lonely inner teenager and whatever comes next, I will eternally be grateful to Sweetness and the many people it’s brought into my life.

Featured image shows actors Aya Furukawa and Kate Hallett with Emma Higgins during the making of Sweetness; all images courtesy Emma Higgins.