Dave Hill is a comedian, writer, musician, and highly boneable public figure. He is the author of the book Tasteful Nudes (St. Martin’s Press, 2012), host of The Goddamn Dave Hill Show on New Jersey’s WFMU-91.1, frequent contributor to This American Life and singer-guitar player for the power-pop band Valley Lodge. His new comedy album Let Me Turn You On is available now, as is his second collection of essays, Dave Hill Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (Penguin/Blue Rider Press). Dave also smells incredible and can play sweet guitar solos without even really trying. You can follow him on Twitter here.
There’s a line from an old play that goes “Music has charms to soothe a savage breast.” The line is frequently misquoted as “Music has charms to soothe a savage beast,” which is insane since I have yet to hear of a wild animal of any sort that would even think twice about ripping your goddamn face off and eating it right in front of you simply because it liked whatever music was on at the time. And while it is often misattributed to Shakespeare, the line was actually written by 18th century English playwright and well known poonhound William Congreve, a man who was well aware that the quickest way to get those panties to drop is with music, even when “the bitch be crazy.” (Congreve’s words, not mine.)
With Valentine’s Day upon us, Congreve’s words ring especially true. After all, with the possible exception of booze, pills, or cold, hard cash, nothing sets the mood for hardcore banging between two people in a for-the-most-part-committed relationship quite like a few carefully chosen sex anthems. Of course, the temptation here is to go with the most blatantly sexual music available. But if the time I naïvely tried to use Barry White as the soundtrack to a handjob back in college is any indication, sometimes it’s best to take the road less traveled unless you really, really know what you’re doing in the sack, office parking garage, or wherever the hell else you do your business. What follows is a list of personally tested and approved music to pork to when you’re really in love with someone, whether you’ve just met or not. I hope you enjoy porking to it as much I enjoyed trying to see if I could pork to it.
Air — “Playground Love”
This song is sultry, mysterious, and French, three sure-fire ingredients when it comes to getting your junk touched so much it’s actually kind of weird. More importantly, however, the track moves along at an ultra-leisurely pace from start to finish, which makes it sound really great whether you’re about to try some weird shit with the nipples or you simply need to grab something from the bathroom real quick so you can really take things to the next level and maybe even the next level after that. And while I don’t normally cotton to a sax solo, the one in this song is good because you can blame it in full, should you happen to get a little too romantic at any point (e.g., the butt).
Def Leppard — “Photograph”
While most people assume tracks from Def Leppard’s slick breakthrough follow-up album Hysteria are the way to go when it comes to letting that special someone know you want to see their parts, “Photograph” from their third album Pyromania is where it’s really at. Here we find the band at the peak of its powers, still a ten-armed rock machine at least giving a nod to their New Wave of British Heavy Metal roots while also acknowledging that British flag-emblazoned short-shorts are actually pretty cool if you can find a pair that will let the nuts breathe. Singer Joe Elliott uses the word “love” and talks about chicks a whole bunch in this song, which does the heavy lifting until about three-quarters of the way into things when guitarist Phil Collen takes you fully to the Bone Zone with what this critic is already calling the best pre-chest-waxing solo of his career. You don’t have to be in a car or someone’s basement while listening to/porking to this song, but I bet you will be.
Brian Eno — “Here Come the Warm Jets”
I chose this song mostly for the title, but also because it’s a great tune without any singing whatsoever until at least the two-and-a-half-minute mark, that point during a lovemaking session at which — statistically speaking, anyway — you will probably be trying to cook a French bread pizza or something. This will allow you to really focus on pleasing your lover when and where it counts. Also, I’m not sure but it sounds like part of this song is played on a kazoo, which, of course, the ancient Greeks used as a symbol of fertility because it is shaped like a dong and you have to play it with your mouth, which is awesome.
Christina Aguilera — “Beautiful”
This Linda Perry-penned gem is so perfect not even Christina Aguilera and her flatulent oversinging could ruin it. While the instrumental and vocal melodies are beautiful (No pun intended! Hahaha. Ha. OK, thanks), I chose this one mostly for the lyrics, which at various points in the song state that “I am beautiful,” “You are beautiful,” and “We are beautiful,” something that will provide both comfort and confidence to you and your partner should those pesky thoughts about whether or not you’ve “settled,” could “do better,” or are simply “not good enough” ever cross your mind at any point before it’s OK to grab your things and leave.
Superjoint Ritual — “Fuck Your Enemy”
Let’s face it — relationships can be really hard sometimes. And while I can barely decipher any of the lyrics to this song, I’d like to think Phil Anselmo was speaking to the fact that the best part of breaking up is making up and then doing it with some of the scariest music ever recorded in the history of time playing in the background. The good thing is this song is only 1:41 long, so if it’s too much for you, your partner, or the guy at the front desk to handle, it won’t be long before it’s over and you can put on some Sade and break out a cheese plate or something.
The Allman Brothers Band — “Jessica”
If you’re anything like me and you find your performance capabilities frequently inhibited by alcohol, prescription medications, and/or raging self doubt, sometimes a little extra time is needed to finish the job, whether you’re in the comfort of your own home or just making the most of the last bathroom stall at your local bus station. The studio version of this song clocks in at a whopping 7:29, but I recommend investing in a bootleg live version from the band’s most drug-addled period in the ‘70s if you can track it down. This will give you time to really stretch out and express yourself while indulging in whatever crazy shit you can come up with on the spot, just like the Allman Brothers themselves. Also, this is just hitting me now, but one of the Allman Brothers guitar players was named Dickey. If you can work that into things somehow, too, that’s just great.